Meanings

So I finally started getting comments from people I don't know. It was rather gratifying but also, rather strange. (It's odd to think of people in other parts of the world actually reading your words.) The last few times I've been online, I was busy reading what they had to say and responding. (In case you want to read go to the Two Steps Forward, One Step Back post.) I love all the comments I received as they gave me many things to ponder. However, I kept getting advice on what to do with Michael (Case in Point # 2). {I have decided to not worry about anonymity for the guys since none of them even read this....yes, something I actually was worried about once upon a time.} Anyway, I couldn't understand why Michael, instead of Friend (#1) or Friend (#3) kept coming up. So I reread my own post, and saw how I had confused these people. Hopefully, this post will set the record straight.

When I wrote that I wanted more than just the casual intimacy that I have with Michael; everyone thought that I wanted more from him. While that may have been true, about three or four months after we started seeing each other last July, it is definitely not true now. I was realizing that I need more than someone who just makes me feel good physically. I need someone who can be around and not just for sex. Michael can't give more than he is now. He's a single father (with custody). For a while, he was working two jobs and taking care of his mother too. I respect that he puts his family as his first priority. Our schedules just don't mesh, so there's no way that we will ever be a couple in reality. I know that and accept it.

For a while, I had the best of both worlds: #1 was my platonic boyfriend (we'd hang out, we'd go to friends' places, we'd go to the movies, we'd text, etc. We even had that secret language that you develop when you spend so much time with someone. We never really touched though.) and Michael was my (very much) not-platonic boyfriend. Unfortunately, that couldn't last.

So I'm going to have to tell Michael goodbye and that makes me sad. He's a wonderful man but I can't even flirt with someone else without feeling guilty. Michael has been a part of my life for a full year now and he has always treated me with respect, caring and consideration. There were no "booty call" scenarios-ever! He always made me feel beautiful, intelligent and fabulous. However, I won't be able to have "the best of one world" (read-ONE GUY THAT DOES IT ALL) unless I let Michael go. I'm not some sort of femme fatale, nor player, nor any kind of "cheater". That is what it would feel like if I try to go out and meet someone else while Michael still thinks he can call, come over, etc. I have been putting off calling him because I just don't want to have the conversation...chicken shit, I know. Ah well, we can't always get what we want.

What will end up happening is that I won't end up seeing any of them. OK that's not quite true. I'll see #1 but only with our mutual friends. Actually, I expect him to try to get back with an old girlfriend, so I won't have to worry about him anyway. #3 will only be via email because the longer the distance the better. He's too much like an addiction for my liking. And Michael, well, I guess, the only contact will be on the phone.

So I'll go back to being extremely single; something I'm used to by now. I'm not a dater, per se, so it will mean more time to take care of family, friends and my new home. That's not necessarily a bad trade-off. If love is meant to happen it will but I'm not going to seek it....I'd much rather it come to me for a change.

Thanks again to Anonymous, Eva, Wendy and Shan'chelle. I appreciate your insightful comments and hope that July brings you an experience that you feel compelled to write about. Also, I'm sorry if my meanings weren't clear before. However, you made me realize that I have to make it very clear to myself, before I can make my words have meaning for anyone else.