Inner Sight

So Friday night I got to see South Pacific live for the first time ever. It was a fabulous production! I'm picky when it comes to musicals but it was just wonderful! South Pacific is special to my family. I grew up listening to the music. The night my father met my mother he sang "Some Enchanted Evening" to her across a crowded room. It must have worked because they're still together 41 years later.

After the play I hung out with friends. It was a blast in one way and very serious in another. There was all this joking going on. I was laughing so hard that I began to do my trademark cough. Any time I overexert myself with laughter I begin to have this hacking, smoker-like cough. (Point of clarification>No, I don't smoke.) However, despite the hilarity that was the main attraction there were some serious side conversations that just made me appreciate the happiness that much more. There were some topics brought up in the asides that were worrisome at best and depressing at worst. I hope the issues are cleared up with a satisfactorily happy ending.

Ironically enough, yesterday I told my sister-in-law, Rae Ann that while I enjoy them I don't need the traditional, Hollywood type, happy ending at the end of books or movies. What I do need is some small glimmer of hope that there will be a happy ending at some future point. To paraprase my lines from Steve Martin's Picasso at the Lapin Agile; "I can write my own happy scenarios in my head." So long as there is the glimmer of hope that characters can overcome their dilemmas then I can see a different ending farther down the line for them. Imagination is a powerful thing. I'm very blessed to have a good one. However, the romantic in me wants everyone I love to have happy endings in real life...where they are less likely to occur. There's yet another irony.

On Saturday, I had a psychic reading by the great, Bobi Cheney. In a nutshell I have to stop giving so much and start receiving. I know, I know. Gutter thoughts are in my head right now too as I reread that sentence. It's not that kind of receiving. I have to truly believe that I'm worthy of being loved and to let people help, support and/or love me instead of putting up barriers to them.

Strangely enough, on Thursday I (for lack of a better term) "made up" with my friend Jason. He said that he was not mad at me. That there was something about the play that he was going to talk to me about but just when he was going to I corrected it the same night. He said he just pulls away from everyone during a breakup. I felt bad for him and gave him a hug and then I just started crying. It took me by surprise as much as it did Jaye. Unless it's onstage most of my friends have never seen me cry. Come to think of it, it's rare for my family too. I really haven't allowed others to see my anger, my hurt or any other "negative" emotion. I guess I'm afraid that they won't respect me anymore let alone care about me anymore. Which is wrong. I need to be willing to be in a bad mood and have others help me out of it. I need to be willing to cry and not just "in character" but as myself and know that others will give me a shoulder to cry on and not think less of me.

I need to allow myself to be weak....which is how the story of Jason fits in. In a moment of clarity I said to him that being strong for others was starting to take its toll. That I was finding it difficult to keep it up and now that Shawn was going through a break up I didn't know if I had it in me anymore. I know now that I will be able to help Shawn but I also am going to stop being hypocritical. I am going to allow others to do for me what I do for them. I never think less of anyone that is hurting so I have to stop thinking less of myself when I'm going through it.

So while I am as far from Nellie Forbush, the lead female character in South Pacific, as it is possible to be on a postive-negative index I'm going to try to uphold the ideal that she espouses in "Cock-eyed Optimist" because when it comes down to it I do want happy endings! And for once, not just for other people but I want to believe that it's possible even for me.