Top Unrequited Love Songs

I was in love for the first time with Ross Moreno. It was an unrequited love way back in my high school days. He didn't know I existed. Then when he noticed me it was just to ask for an introduction to my friend, Tanis. The following year it was to hear as his (gag) friend all about Ria Bustamante. I got to hear the details about how much he cared for her before, during and after their time together. Ross was the first but not the last of my lamentable crushes. I do have a knack for finding a wonderful guy who just wants to be friends. SIGH. So in honor of Ross and all those others who didn't love me (well, at least not the way I wanted them to love me) I dedicate the following songs. {The songs were not necessarily written by the artists. I just prefer these versions. You'll have to look up the songwriters for yourself.}

Honorary Mentions to Sk8ter Boi by Avril Lavigne and You Went and Saved the Best for Last by Whitney Houston because of their happy endings.
#10. Cold, Cold Heart by Norah Jones
#9. I Can Love You Better by The Dixie Chicks
#8. What Am I to You by Norah Jones
#7. Crazy for This Girl by Evan and Jaron
#6. Take a Chance on Me by ABBA
#5. How Do You Like Me Now by Toby Keith
#4. There's Your Trouble by The Dixie Chicks
#3. He's Everything You Want by Vertical Horizon
#2. Insensitive by Jann Arden
#1. I Can't Make You Love Me by Bonnie Raitt

Yes, I Have a Cat

It has come to my attention (No Tony, you weren't the only one) that many of my friends had no clue that I have a cat. In fact I've had said cat for nearly 17 years. On January 6, 1989 my sisters and brother gave her to me as a belated birthday present. I've been worried about her because she seems thinner than usual for the summer. She was most likely a runt according to the shelter where my siblings found her. So it's not like I'm not use to her being small. It's just that I can feel all of her vertebrae, and her pelvis seems exceptionally pointy.

She has always been afraid of people. Which is why she hasn't even been seen by most of the people who know and love me. I think she's a great judge of character because she loves me unconditionally and she took forever to warm up to Chris, my ex-husband. (Obviously a sign I should have taken into consideration.) She loved Michael on sight. Which was a first. (Yet another sign? I had to agree with her on that one, too.) She's recently come out of her shell when either Jeanine or Shanda are visiting. So she knows a good friend when she sees one.

I named her Ariel. No, not after "The Little Mermaid!" I had her for a year or two before that Disney movie came out. Ariel means Lioness of God in Hebrew. It just fit her. She acted like a little lioness as a kitten, trying to catch insects out of the air. It use to crack me up to watch her stalk things.

I know that she is old and I have tried to be prepared for the day when she will leave this earth but the truth is I think I will be a basket case on that day. And many more after that.

Well, she's been meowing at me to leave the computer. She does that when she thinks I should stop reading late into the night, too. So I'm going to listen to my oldest friend, and go to bed.

My wish for all readers~may you have some one or some thing in your life that loves you and watches out for you the way my cat does for me.

Michael

This is a picture of Michael. Yes, the Michael. I called him yesterday before rehearsal. I was thinking about how he called me out of the blue on his break last week. So I thought I'd show that I can call. He seemed surprised to hear from me....almost as if he didn't recognize my number from the caller i.d. I guess it just cemented the fact that eventually we'll break up. Although, as I ponder it, I don't know that we were ever really together. So odd. I do wish we could stay friends somehow because he really is the nicest guy....sigh.

Oglethorpe

From top left going clockwise:
Shawn Carrington, Jason Vocque, Jason Krause, Shanda Davis, Tony Yaghi, Jr., Jeanine Michael Rosensteel, Me, Liz Smith, Joe Smith

The Last of the Dalin Bash Photos

I hope his wishes came true!
This is Haley, Dalin's youngest sister. No, she's not six but she knows her brother is. He was telling my sister-in-love, "No, Mommy that's too many!" when she started to put more than five. I guess he forgot that he was now a year older. I said, "Dalin, how old are you?" And Haley shouted, "He's six, Tia!" So I had to get a picture of her showing me how old he was.

Dalin's Bash 2

Ah to be six and have a world of wishes at your fingertips!!! Do they come true if you tell?
Dalin loved the glow worm caves in New Zealand! I bought this book for him there. I also got him one that was a folk tale about how the Maori learned to fish. I couldn't compete with the grandparents and other aunts and uncles when we first started having kid birthdays. However, I KNOW BOOKS! So I became the book giving tia. (Tia is Spanish for aunt.) Now the kids all look forward to what books they are going to receive for their birthdays and Christmas. Instead of cards, I always write something on the flyleaf or inside cover. One Christmas when Dalin was about three and a half, he said, "No Mama. Let me read it!" to my sister when she was going to read what I had put down. He said, "Dear Dalin, I love you very, very, very, very, very much! I hope you love this story as much as I do. Merry Christmas. Your Tia." He wasn't that far off. There was a little more to it than that but it was pretty accurate. Now, of course, he reads beautifully, as do his cousins. It makes me proud that I helped a little with that.

Dalin's Bash 1

This is my nephew, Lelan. He has yet to get the back of his hair cut because every time they try, he moves his head back and forth like a crazy person. He already is at the "terrible twos" stage and he's only 19 months!
This is my oldest nephew, Robbie. He's Lelan's and Carina's older brother and usually never wants to take pictures. Adia, his cousin, is the same way. I was shocked they let me take pictures of them.
For some reason my dad thought it would be fun to put Lelan in this bag after Dalin had already taken the presents out of it. Lelan loved it. All the other kids started to want their own bags right after they saw him in it. The only thing that stopped them was the pinata. Candy makes everyone stop, now doesn't it?

Nieces Galore

This is my niece, Adia, at her brother's birthday party. She obviously just got out of the pool, again.
This is my oldest niece, Carina. She just got her hair cut, for the first time since she was four, in this photo. Before it was down her back and in her face all the time. I sent her to get my phone so that I could grab a quick pic. I was in the pool and was shocked that no water got on the lens...I'm not normally that careful. I know she just turned nine but I can't get over how old she looks. She's the "big girl" that I always call her, now.....wow, time flies!
This is my niece, Jessie, she loves to help. You may have read earlier how she asked to help me with the dishes at my grandmother's going away party. Here she is delivering packages to her brother for his birthday party.

Houston We No Longer Have a Problem

Oh my goodness! It finally worked. Everytime I've tried to put a photo on my blog it hasn't downloaded properly. This is a picture of my triplet nieces at their fourth birthday party in April.

Picasso at the Lapin Agile

For those of you who don't know, and I can't figure out how that's possible unless you're strangers, here is info on "Picasso at the Lapin Agile" the play that I'm currently rehearsing.

Written by Steve Martin, yes that Steve Martin.
Directed by Jason Lee Vocque
Produced by Catherine Chasse for Rising Phoenix Theatre

Performing at the Empire Theater on Pacific Avenue, Stockton, CA on
Friday, August 12; Saturday, August 13; Friday, August 19; Saturday, August 20; Friday, August 26 and Saturday, August 27. All performances are at 8:00.

The cast is as follows:
Pablo Picasso- Joe Smith
Albert Einstein- Kyle Gundlach
Gaston- Jim Keating
Suzanne- Annie Rapaport
Schmendiman- Shawn Carrington
The Countess & the Female Admirer- Anna Chase
The Visitor- David Nelson
We lost our original Sagot & Freddy. They will now be played by Rich Phipps and James Snyder for five performances and Rob Chase and Jaye Vocque for one performance. Although our director never told us who would be playing which part. Go figure.
Oh and I play Germaine.

Stage Manager- Liz Smith
Assistant Stage Manager- Jeanine Michael Rosensteel
Assistant to the Director- Tony Yaghi, Jr.
Costumer- Anna Chase
Lighting Design- Rob Chase
Set Design-Jaye Vocque


If you're anywhere in the vicinity of Stockton during performance dates, I urge you to attend. It is a thought provoking play with moments of hilarity, tenderness and even, absurdity. Besides the idea is intriguing. The idea that Einstein and Picasso met in a Parisian bar before they were PICASSO and EINSTEIN, greats of the twentieth century, and conversed makes one ponder.

Besides Steve Martin is a genius in his own right. His words are phenomenal. It is a joy to be able to say them. I hope to see some of you there.

What Vacation?

Things I've done recently:
1. Sunday, July 10-Babysat my nephews, Benjamin (18 months) and Nicholas (5 1/2) and my niece, Sabrina (4) for ten hours. We played bounce down the stairs, washed the car, played around in mud puddles in the backyard, walked the baby to & from the store for milk, made macaroni and cheese, watched two episodes of the Superfriends, rolled around a ball, read three books (one five times in a row), played the piano, tickled, hugged and kissed. When my brother and sister-in-law came to get them, we spent an hour catching up. My niece cried when she left. She wanted me to go home with her and tuck her in. Gotta love four year olds....so all about them.
2. Monday, July 11-I went to work out @ Curves and to an appointment with the chiropractor. My left leg is rotated the wrong way and we're trying to get it back together. Then went to rehearsal as always early. I had to be decked out with makeup, which feels gross in summer, especially in 100+ degree heat. Well, the camera wasn't there. Found out we still didn't have a Freddy....argh.
3. Tuesday, July 12-My dad came over to inform me that yes we were giving a going away party for my grandmother. At my house. Mind you this had been my suggestion all along but my parents kept saying no. Glad they changed their minds with so much time to prepare. ;-O Luckily the house was in a very clean state since my friends had come over Friday for a game night. I just had to do some cleaning of the spare room so the kids would have an open space to play if it was too hot outside. My dad wanted to have the whole thing catered. I was flabbergasted. I love to cook and really only for big groups. I've never quite mastered how to cook for less than six people. I finally convinced him to let me do some things. Since I was cooking my own tomato sauce at the time, I think it helped. He went to get some groceries and I got them in the fridge before working out, showering and off to rehearsal again. Later, that night I went with friends from the cast and crew to see "War of the Worlds." I liked it even with it's inconsistencies. What I didn't like was that the friends went into the theater without waiting for me or telling me what we were going to see. Prior to getting there the talk had been all about "Fantastic Four." Also, I was told that we would be seeing a 9:40 show. So I walk to where we always wait to get tickets when for some reason I look inside and see the four of them walking towards the concession stand. It felt like I was barging in on a double date. Even though I was led to believe that was not the case. Anyway, I open the door and start yelling, "Guys, guys, Tony, Jaye, Tony, Jaye!" When finally they turn around and say, "Oh, Christina.", as if they're surprised to see me. ?!?!? I find out we're going to the 9:55 War not F4 and left to buy my ticket. I have to say I was surprised to find them actually waiting for me in the same spot by concessions when I finally was allowed in. So much fun to be remembered (please, read previous sentence with extremely sarcastic voice in head.)
4. Wednesday, July 13-Cleaned up around the house and did all of the cooking prepwork ahead of time. I had to go to the store to get more food, and drinks that my dad didn't think of. Plus, I wanted to buy some new serving bowls. I got home in time to shower, set the tables, do a last minute dusting and begin cooking. My dad dropped my grandmother off very early (around 4 when everyone else was trying to get there by 6:00) and we got to spend some time alone together which was nice. Unfortunately, my grandmother is getting forgetful. At 85 that's allowed but it makes me worry about her living in Mexico with my Aunt Chris. I hope that she gets good care there. We'll see. The family slowly but surely trickled in. The kids were so funny. Robbie and Carina came early, around 5, and were great helpers. Then later, Jessie wanted to clean dishes with me so she was my helper. At one point I decked all the kids out in tee-shirts that I rarely wear to run through the sprinklers. (Stockton in the 100's you've got to do what you can to stay cool.) After around 7 hours the last of the families left. Mind you I spent the last half hour to forty-five minutes wrestling with Carin's kids. I finished the last of the cleaning up about 11:30 and decided to head on to bed. Although, I think I may have surfed and responded to blogs first.
5. Thursday, July 14-Sent my brother a birthday text which I found out later he never saw. I went to work out, came home and took my second shower of the day and then met my friend Jeanine for lunch. I took the rest of the day easy. Looked at lines, and eventually took my tired behind off to rehearsal. I got to wish my brother a happy birthday in person and showed him the text he never saw. He loved it. We had a nice drive home and then I met Joe and Liz for coffee outside of Starbucks. They close early in the evenings, so we went and used Baja Fresh's tables and sat out under the stars bitching about the play and things that need to be fixed, GETTING A FREDDY IS A BIG WAY TO FIX THE PLAY! Jaye, the director, finally came and we told him of our concerns. He talked them out with Joe while Liz and I caught up on real stuff, aka family concerns. I ended up talking with Jaye about all sorts of stuff after the Smiths left. It was good to catch up even though I needed to be home in bed sleeping. We ended up at one of the 24 hour Safeways talking as I prepared to restock my now empty refrigerator.
6. Friday, July 15-I picked up Jeanine at her rental car place in Stockton and returned her to where her car was being serviced in Lodi, I texted, emailed and called Shanda to let her know that I didn't have directions to her place outside of Oroville, I talked to Michael on the phone (and no, we didn't get around to break up talk....yet.) I cleaned around the house, packed the car for the slumber party I was going to later that night, got gas, got the new directions from Shanda and after a pedicure and a manicure went to pick her up. Six hours later we were back in Lodi at Jeanine's. We stayed up late into the evening with Jeanine and Liz and watched "Sex in the City." I prefer the later seasons. Jeanine wanted us to go chronologically so we started at the beginning, which most of us had never seen.
6. Saturday, July 16-Sat around talking with Jeanine, Liz, and Shanda before we went to a little cafe for brunch. Took Liz to where her car was being serviced (I'm afraid it's going around). I stopped by my parents to wish them well on the anniversary of their meeting and to hear their agenda. Then Shanda and I went home to my place to take showers. We decided to go see "Wedding Crashers" which I found hysterically funny, even though I had to pee through most of the movie. We went back to my place and I just wanted to crash. I had started feeling really ill. I had a low grade fever. My eyes were hot and my lips were completely dry which are always the symptoms I get when I have a low grade fever. I didn't even bother to take my temperature. The worst part is my regular temp always runs low, around 97.7, so when I hit the traditional 98.6 I am not happy. (As a child I was rarely ill but when I was I would easily hit 102-104 in about sixty seconds flat.) We went to dinner at Outback and then went back to my house. Shanda was restless after surfing the net and wanted to go out. I offered her my car but she didn't want to go alone. I knew that she thought this would be her last chance to have fun since moving north. Also, I was in good hostess mood, so we went to a karaoke bar. I was so hot that I had to sit next to a fan at the back of the bar. Shanda was sure that there were guys looking at me. I didn't feel like even flirting let alone dancing which is how I knew I was sick. Shanda drank and I just did everything I could to keep from putting my head down on the bar and sleeping. I drank water all night and barely urinated. I wasn't even sweating it off.....I was not doing well. We saw some old friends and I got to catch up a little. Then Shanda did that one thing you should never do, drink and dial. So then we had to catch up on other old friendships at the house. While the catching up was being done it was all I could do to keep from passing out. I was exhausted and sore. My whole body felt like I was moving through molasses and it took so much effort just to keep my body in an upright position. Finally, I said, "I'm going to lay down. Let me know when you need to leave."
7. Sunday, July 17-The day my parents met 41 years ago. I was glad I got to see them. Shanda and I both took naps in the morning after waking up. Then showered and met Jeanine at the Duck Nook, a local restaurant. In honor of my actually feeling hungry, I broke with my diet and had a some of the country potatoes and tortillas. I couldn't finish anything so I guess it wasn't that big of a break. Jeanine decided to come with us to take Shanda home. We all had a nice chat on the way up which is about a two hour drive. On the way back Jeanine and I caught up....which is funny since we talk nearly every day. I went home and straightened up and then took a nap. I felt better than the night before but only just. I went to my parents' house took in the paper, checked on the mail from Saturday, and watched network t.v. after deciding I didn't want to watch anything on the Dish. When I got home I thought I'd surf the blogs for a while. I had turned on the sprinklers on the left hand side of the lawn that had not received any water in about three days. I was so out of it that I forgot about them. I went upstairs and passed out from the exhaustion. Yeah, I nearly flooded the front yard. I guess it helped to have five days in the 100's because the ground just soaked it all up.
8. Monday, July 18-My period starts and I text Jeanine and Shanda that I told them that I was right. I had thought that PMS was what was probably going on. Sometimes it hits me like a ton of bricks (I'd say like a bus but being hit by a bus wasn't nearly so bad.) I think Shanda and Jeanine wanted me to be pregnant. Normally that is not even a possibility. Michael and I are always safe. However, I'm not on the pill (because I never really liked how I felt on it...all four months of it,....and because of my age, 39) and the last time Michael and I had intercourse (the first time in two months) he GASP didn't wear a condom and came prematurely. So I could see how Jeanine and Shanda could get their hopes up. They really want me to have a baby. So do my family members. Not that I don't want one....just not necessarily in that way. Hey, at least my fever was gone and so was the swelling that had been happening since the big dinner party. I even caught up on my sleep although I think I was still a little out of it at rehearsal last night. I went out for coffee again with Joe, Liz and Jaye after rehearsal. It was nice just to enjoy the summer breeze and talk casually. Oh, I nearly forgot. I got my hair done too. It was great to see my stylist, who is also a friend. It's been a while and she finished with me early so we were able to go see the house that she and her husband just bought. I could also understand immediately their reasons for wanting to remodel the kitchen. ;-)

So here I am on Tuesday being extremely lazy. Steaming artichokes, reading trashy love stories and now prosing on monotonously about my life. I guess I'll go work out around 3:30, take another shower and head to rehearsal.

Sometimes vacation is harder work than work!

Meanings

So I finally started getting comments from people I don't know. It was rather gratifying but also, rather strange. (It's odd to think of people in other parts of the world actually reading your words.) The last few times I've been online, I was busy reading what they had to say and responding. (In case you want to read go to the Two Steps Forward, One Step Back post.) I love all the comments I received as they gave me many things to ponder. However, I kept getting advice on what to do with Michael (Case in Point # 2). {I have decided to not worry about anonymity for the guys since none of them even read this....yes, something I actually was worried about once upon a time.} Anyway, I couldn't understand why Michael, instead of Friend (#1) or Friend (#3) kept coming up. So I reread my own post, and saw how I had confused these people. Hopefully, this post will set the record straight.

When I wrote that I wanted more than just the casual intimacy that I have with Michael; everyone thought that I wanted more from him. While that may have been true, about three or four months after we started seeing each other last July, it is definitely not true now. I was realizing that I need more than someone who just makes me feel good physically. I need someone who can be around and not just for sex. Michael can't give more than he is now. He's a single father (with custody). For a while, he was working two jobs and taking care of his mother too. I respect that he puts his family as his first priority. Our schedules just don't mesh, so there's no way that we will ever be a couple in reality. I know that and accept it.

For a while, I had the best of both worlds: #1 was my platonic boyfriend (we'd hang out, we'd go to friends' places, we'd go to the movies, we'd text, etc. We even had that secret language that you develop when you spend so much time with someone. We never really touched though.) and Michael was my (very much) not-platonic boyfriend. Unfortunately, that couldn't last.

So I'm going to have to tell Michael goodbye and that makes me sad. He's a wonderful man but I can't even flirt with someone else without feeling guilty. Michael has been a part of my life for a full year now and he has always treated me with respect, caring and consideration. There were no "booty call" scenarios-ever! He always made me feel beautiful, intelligent and fabulous. However, I won't be able to have "the best of one world" (read-ONE GUY THAT DOES IT ALL) unless I let Michael go. I'm not some sort of femme fatale, nor player, nor any kind of "cheater". That is what it would feel like if I try to go out and meet someone else while Michael still thinks he can call, come over, etc. I have been putting off calling him because I just don't want to have the conversation...chicken shit, I know. Ah well, we can't always get what we want.

What will end up happening is that I won't end up seeing any of them. OK that's not quite true. I'll see #1 but only with our mutual friends. Actually, I expect him to try to get back with an old girlfriend, so I won't have to worry about him anyway. #3 will only be via email because the longer the distance the better. He's too much like an addiction for my liking. And Michael, well, I guess, the only contact will be on the phone.

So I'll go back to being extremely single; something I'm used to by now. I'm not a dater, per se, so it will mean more time to take care of family, friends and my new home. That's not necessarily a bad trade-off. If love is meant to happen it will but I'm not going to seek it....I'd much rather it come to me for a change.

Thanks again to Anonymous, Eva, Wendy and Shan'chelle. I appreciate your insightful comments and hope that July brings you an experience that you feel compelled to write about. Also, I'm sorry if my meanings weren't clear before. However, you made me realize that I have to make it very clear to myself, before I can make my words have meaning for anyone else.

My Results (from some of those quiz "thingies")

O.K. So I was a little bored and started playing around with those quizzes that I see links for on everyone else's blogs. My results are as follows:

What Gender Is Your Brain?
Your Brain is 60.00% Female, 40.00% Male
Your brain is a healthy mix of male and female. You are both sensitive and savvy, rational and reasonable, and you tend to keep level headed. But you also tend to wear your heart on your sleeve.


What Kind of Kisser Are You?
Part Playful Kisser
Kissing is a huge game for you, a way to flirt and play. You're the first one to suggest playing spin the bottle at a party or you'll go for the wild kiss during a game of truth or dare. And you're up for kissing any sexy stranger if the mood is right!
Part Expert Kisser
You're a kissing pro, but it's all about quality and not quantity. You've perfected your kissing technique and can knock anyone's socks off. And you're adaptable, giving each partner what they crave. When it comes down to it, your kisses are truly unforgettable!


What Flavor Ice Cream Are You?
You Are Strawberry Ice Cream
A bit shy and sensitive, you are sweet to the core. You often find yourself on the outside looking in. Insightful and pensive, you really understand how the world works. You are most compatible with chocolate chip ice cream.


Who Were You In a Past Life?
In a Past Life...
You Were: A Lazy Poet.
Where You Lived: Russia.
How You Died: Natural causes.


The World's Shortest Personality Test
You are dreamy, peaceful, and young at heart. Optimistic and caring, you tend to see the best in people. You tend to be always smiling - and making others smile. You are shy and intelligent... and a very hard worker. You're also funny, but many people don't see your funny side. Your subtle dry humor leaves your close friends in stitches.

What's Your 2005 Summer Anthem?
Your Summer Anthem is "Speed of Sound" by Coldplay~
All that noise, and all that sound,
All those places I got found.
And birds go flying at the speed of sound,
to show you how it all began.
You're out of your mind this summer, in a good way.

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

In my family, we have a lot of sayings. Most were invented by my dad. Others are variations on a theme. Sometimes we just altered a more well-known saying to fit our family unit. The title of this post is one of them.

When I was a child we made candies in December. My mom got the recipe from one of her adult-class students. We made them every year. Even though we are not Christians (actually I was raised without a denomination at all) we still celebrated a secular Christmas. So we'd make the candies and say they were for New Year's, Channukkah, or Christmas depending on the faith of those in our neighborhood, and that of our family friends. Once they were done we'd hand deliver the closest and then all climb into the car. On places where we were supposed to go fast, we all stayed in the car and my mom took them up the porch steps. The theory being that with my dad behind the wheel and the four of us kids still waiting in the car it would get her to go faster. It didn't. She'd talk. My mom can talk forever. She can get other people to talk just as long by simply asking the right questions. At times, we were all out of the car talking but we'd make it back and my mom wouldn't. It was agonizingly slow to watch her cut the connection to the person we were there to see. Just when it seemed like she was getting away (one step back) she'd feel inclined to move (yes, two steps) forward.

Lately my life feels like that. I manage to make headway for a second. I'm coming to decisions & willing to tackle my issues when suddenly I'm back to where I started; without even knowing how I got there. Don't get me wrong, I'm very decisive and action oriented in certain aspects of my life. It's my darn romantic heart where I become a vacillating nincompoop!

Cases in point.

1. I realize I'm suffering from an old malady that I picked up in high school (unrequited love.) He's going from friend to flirty toucher to downright coming on to me (it's hard to mistake a naked penis for disinterest!) Thereby confusing the heck out of me. Are we friends or not? So I become determined to say or do something (unlike my pimply past ) to find out where we stand. When, lo and behold, the person in question blurts out something that lets me know that I'm not even in the running. He'd rather chart other territories. So I get to go back to the vast wasteland of buddydom.
2. Just when I decide I need more than a casual intimacy with a lover, who is more absent than around, he starts showing up. He starts calling daily and texting weekly, and he even begins fixing things around my house. Yet again confusing me. Are we (sorry for the profanity) fuck friends or is he wanting more or is he not? Some issues still remain. Where I've invited him into my life, and yes, he took a tiny dip into that wading pool by meeting my family, I'm only a visitor to his~ through conversations. No meetings with his family, whatsoever. And yes, I become afraid to change the status quo because at least I know what I get when I am with him. However, has that stopped being enough?
3. And the last step back? Going back with friends to catch up with another friend and finding that some things never change. Physically the chemistry is still there. The longing when you look at each other. Worst of all, the connection of thinking is still there, too. That being on the same wave length as someone else that is more erotic (at times) than sex.
However, this old flame scorched me to such a crisp that it took a great deal to get over it. He's the second reason I'm so nervous to take steps when it comes to romantic relationships. We met five years ago. I was still in a state of shell shock from a divorce that had been final for three years at that point and he was in love with two (other) women at the same time. Yeah, that was ripe for disaster. We came out of our coupling and finally, made it to a point where we could be friends. Platonic, long distance ones. I don't know that I trust myself to not wallow in that misery again as some sort of self-flagellating punishment that for some archaic reason I believe I deserve. So you can imagine how thrilled I was to go down (and back) there last night with others. (Designated driving can sometimes take it's toll .)

Yet a part of me is hopeful. I truly believe that it will all eventually work out to some satisfying end with all three. Or maybe I just wish someone new would come along and whisk me away from actually having to make a decision about it all. A different type of riding off into the sunset, to be sure.

Independence Day

Isn't it funny how things start to happen when you least expect them to? This has been happening lately to quite a few friends. Things from the past are altering, new horizons are beckoning and change is in the air. However, it seems as if we're all stuck in mud waiting for something to pull us out of our revery and move forward. Shouldn't we be allowed independence from that which holds us back?

I've been thinking of a friend that I met on the Fourth of July, lately. He's about to become a father for the first time and it's been a while since we talked. However, he is firmly part of my past or so I would assume. Nevertheless, remembering him reminded me that while taking risks can lead to heartache it also makes you a more interesting person.

So which? Independence from inaction? Independence from our own frailties? Or independence from judging oneself too harshly for choices made?

Not sure which I'd prefer. Sometimes I'd just like my brain and heart to work together instead of so, well,... independently.....sigh.

Anyway, may you all have a FABULOUS FOURTH OF JULY!!!!! Do something relaxing, or energizing, or patriotic or just downright silly. As for me, I want to go oooooh and aaaaaaaaahhhhhhh over fireworks.

Who?

Just to beat Jaye and Tony to the punch ;-) here's a cast list of the characters in my life. To keep it short (HA!) I have tried (it wasn't easy as you'll soon see) to not write any liner notes about these people. You'll get that in subsequent posts.

Not necessarily in order of appearance-
Family:
Mother~Eloisa Yvonne Chavez "Lela" Nelson
Father~Robert Bruce "Bob" Nelson
Only Brother~David Scott Nelson [My nicknames for him: Davisasso, Dav]
Younger Sister ~Jennifer Leann Nelson Burgher [My nicknames for her: Jennie, Jen, Juan, J]
Youngest Sister~Carin Adele Nelson [My nicknames for her: Pillow, Care-tare]
Brother's Spouse~Rae Ann Tourville Nelson (Rae married David on April 19, 1994)
Sister's Spouse~Todd Warren Burgher (Todd married Jennie on December 30, 1993)
Sister's Spouse~Karie Lynn Morgan Kubena Nelson (*Carin & Karie did have a committment ceremony on July 26, 1997 that was presided over by a judge even though gay marriage was not legal in California.)

Grandmother~Meryl Thoman Nelson AKA Grandma
(My nana was Esther Ortiz Chavez and my grandpa was Robert Britain Nelson. They both died in the same year. In 1988 I went from having three grandparents I knew all of my life to having only one. My maternal grandfather died when my mother was 18. I just heard stories about him. His name was Michael John Chavez. He was originally named Bruno but when his brother died he took his brother's name in memory. My mom didn't even know that until recently.)

Aunts~
Christina "Chris" Nelson
Juana "Jenny" Chavez Medina
Elly Tatton-Nelson
Uncles~
Donald Scott Nelson
Sal Medina
Modesto "Modie" Chavez
Michael John "Mikie" Chavez
(Two aunts are now deceased. Karen Briggs and Nora Chavez. They were both the youngest sisters and they were both born in the same year. However, unlike my nana and grandpa, they died in different years. I had an Aunt Judy-married to Uncle Modie who died a few years ago, also. I have had some other aunts and one uncle that divorced my relatives. I was only close to one and that was my Uncle Joe Weldon. He was married to my Aunt Chris but she went back to her maiden name after the divorce.)

Nephews & Nieces (The loves of my life! In order of appearance.)
*Robert "Robbie" Warren Burgher born on July 21, 1994 (Jennie & Todd)
*Carina Deann Burgher born on June 20, 1996 (Jennie & Todd)
*Dalin Keith Nelson born on July 2, 1999 (Carin & Karie...Carin gave birth)
*Nicholas "Nick" Britain Nelson born on December 25, 1999 (David & Rae)
*Adia Leann Nelson born on April 10, 2001 (Carin & Karie...Karie gave birth)
*Jessie Marcia Nelson born on April 10, 2001 (Carin & Karie...Karie gave birth)
*Haley Jade Nelson born on April 10, 2001 (Carin & Karie...Karie gave birth)
*Sabrina Elaine Nelson born on June 8, 2001 (David & Rae...Rae Ann was glad to not give birth to triplets like Karie two months earlier.)
*Lelan Scott Burgher born on November 13, 2003 (Jennie & Todd)
*Benjamin Raymond Nelson born on December 22, 2003 (David & Rae Ann)


I have oodles of cousins!!!...but don't generally get to see them. Some I've only met once or twice. So they obviously didn't make this list. These are the ones I'm closest to. Their families are in brackets.
Favorite Cousins~
Esther Medina {Divorced with no children but a fabulous aunt...something we have in common.}
Jonathon Weldon {Spouse- Jana and son-Jackson}
Ellena Weldon {Spouse- Tanya, daughter-Maya and stepson-Eric}
Liz Briggs {Husband died of prostate cancer at a very young age, two lovely daughters; Lynsy and Kellee}
Ted Nelson {Spouse-Yvonne and son-Sammy}

Best Friends (Somewhat in order of appearance to my life. I'm not sure. I might have mixed a couple of them up. The ones with plusses are from work. The others are in the Oglethorpe group that you may have read about on other blogs.)
Jeanine Marie Michael Rosensteel
Shawn Jamal Carrington
Jason Lee "Jaye" Vocque (His personal blog is http://sleeplesswalrus.blogspot.com and his show blog is http://jayeshow.blogspot.com)
Shanda Michelle Davis (Her blog is http://cheaperthanprozac.blogspot.com)
Frith Stevenson+
Elizabeth "Liz" Kate Faye Smith
Thomas Joseph "Joe" Smith (His blog is http://www.golfandmore.blogspot.com)
Jason Krause
Tony Yaghi, Jr. (His blog is http://sharkisloose.blogspot.com)
Christyn Simpkins+

By the way, I have no idea why Joe's blog address includes the www but no one else's does. They are all worth reading though.

I have other friends & acquaintances that I see less frequently. Here's a partial listing. {They came easily to mind as people who have touched my life, generally in a positive way. They are not in any particular order.}
The entire Chase family: Bea & Rob and their daughters, Cathy and Anna & Cathy's daughter, Virginia.
Joe Rosensteel
Ann Samuelson
Carisa Hosey
Shaun O. Baker
Cyndie & Louie Menard
Gina & David Hesseltine
Chris & Jen Ragan
Donna Nelson (No relation)
Kristen Mager
Lori Titus
Veg Bangayan
Jason "Monkey" Feilzer
Lori & Jesse Baird and their funny, adorable son; Foster. Can't wait to see the new one.
Stephanie & Mike Pate
Carolyn & James Snyder
Susan & Larry Borges
Michael Cobbs, III
Jason Stewart
Robert Stoughton, Jr.
Christopher Scott Todd Flaxman Shore
Cynthia Graves
Catherine Frye
James Keys
Jim & Nora Keating
Damien Michael
Carmen & Dan Musch
Lee Silveira
Mike Kiley
Nell Amo
Steve Green
Steve Goldman
Judy & Marv Williamson
Donovan Cummings
Jeff & Sarah Wentworth
Barbara Crocker
Larry Dominguez
John White (@ Delta)
John White (@ work)
Aurora Cruz

Since it's summer and I'm a traditional track teacher there are no students to add to the list. Normally they'd be near the top because they are my main focus. Every year, EACH child that I am lucky enough to teach touches my heart in some way. There is nothing more gratifying in my job than to watch them excel or to hear from them later (many visit &/or write) on how they are doing.

There are other people in my life... obviously. However, these are the most important. They have shaped who I am with every encounter. I feel blessed just to know them, let alone to call them friend or family.