Mollusk

I found some old poems in the computer. I figured I'd post them so that I could delete them from the hard drive.

Mollusk

Mollusk
Searching for my shell.

It’s always been here
How could it be lost?

Dissolved under
Your stare.

Penetrating, probing, pleasing
Pushing past barriers
of immense proportions
with a song.

Do you feel it?

This aching softness
The gaping wide hole
of my soul.

The yearning for you
For you...alone.

Then indifference
Callous in its insolence
Contaminating every encounter.
Searing the silkiness with sorrow
Smothering me
Scouring me
Drowning in the
saltiness of your sea.

Mollusk
Searching for my hell.

You

You

Seeking

Seeking from you
my solace.

Seeking from you
my salvation.

Seeking sensations
that will carry me
beyond myself to-

Someplace

Some unknown zone
Somewhere
I’m not me.

Seeing

Seeing your disgust
at my despair.

Seeing your annoyance
at my declarations.

Seeing your abhorrence
of my depravity.

Seeking
yet seeing
the answer was never
You

There's a Fine, Fine Line

These are the lyrics to one of my (most recent) favorite songs of all time! It's titled There's a Fine, Fine Line. The song is by Jeff Marx and Robert Lopez. It is from their musical Avenue Q. Stephanie D'Abruzzo sang the song for the original Broadway cast. On Saturday 8/27 the cast opens previews in an *exclusive (*can't tour the rest of the country) Las Vegas theater. I would love to go see it!!!!! (Of course, not this weekend since my own show is closing.) I am so in love with the CD that Jaye let me borrow that I can't wait to get my own. Yes, I'm willing to BUY it. No ripping and burning for this one.

Anyway, the lyrics of this particular song made me think about relationships. There are certain parallels in my own life. Well, there would have to be wouldn't there? Otherwise why would I find it so meaningful? Nevertheless, it also fit in with how I've been viewing others' relationships. The fragility and complexity of love is astounding.

There's a fine, fine line
Between a lover and a friend.
There's a fine, fine line
Between reality and pretend;
And you never know 'til you reach the top
If it was worth the uphill climb.
There's a fine, fine line
Between love and a waste of time.

There's a fine, fine line
Between a fairy tale and a lie.
And there's a fine, fine line
Between "You're wonderful!" and "Goodbye."
I guess if someone doesn't love you back
It isn't such a crime.
But there's a fine, fine line
Between love and a waste of your time.

And I don't have the time to waste on you anymore!
I don't think that you even know what you're looking for!
For my own sanity I've got to close the door and walk away.
Oh~

There's a fine, fine line
between together and not.
And there's a fine, fine line between
What you wanted and what you got.

You've got to go after the things you want while you're still in your prime!
There's a fine, fine line
Between love and a waste of time.

One last thought: Treat your own heart as gently as you should treat others' hearts.

Don Quixote and Anniversaries

In honor of my mom saying yes to marrying my dad, 41 years ago today, I am posting this Don Quixote by Pablo Picasso. They love the story of Don Quixote and have a copy of this print in the office. They also have a statue of Don Quixote with arms outspread in joy that was hand carved in Spain. They used to put the mail for any of us who had moved out of the main house on the statue. We always knew where to go for those things that never got forwarded. Sometimes when they were going out of town and wanted us to have something (think check or gift) special they would say, "Check Don Quixote." So to me he is a great symbol of hope....and I love the story too.

So Happy Anniversary of agreeing to wed, Mom & Dad! I love you...thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis much!

For others: Yes, they may actually read this some day. I recently gave my mom my blogadress. It was to let her and my father know that YES I am writing again. (They've been convinced since I was seven that I was going to be a published writer.) I even showed her how to put it in her favorites. The trouble is that she's so busy that I doubt she'll ever read it. Also, I bet she'll need my help to remember how to retrieve it. It helps to be more computer literate then she is. Evil giggle. Of course, most seven year olds are more computer literate than my mom but she's so cute when she figures something out on the computer that you can't help but smile.

My parents moved their real estate office to the current site a year ago and we had a big luncheon celebration. So happy anniversary in your not so new digs anymore, too. Thanks for letting me help out and meet all your favorite Old Republic Title company people and Countrywide lenders. It was nice to be included, even though I'm not a staff member.

This Is Not a Test

This is not a test of the art blogcasting system. This is The Dream by Pablo Picasso. My parents got me my own copy (framed, YAY!) as an opening night gift. It was very generous of them but then they are known for their generosity so it shouldn't surprise me. I'm going to post some other Picasso's later since I have also shared some of my favorite Einstein quotes.
I hope that whatever you dream tonight, and in the following weeks, brings you either solace, joy or challenges that intrigue you. Good night.

Work Rant

I went to work yesterday. I had to move every piece of furniture. None of it was where it would work. That's what happens when they mop and put a special wax on the tiles during summer. Everything gets whacked. Oh and the furniture consisted of a couch, a teacher's desk, two rolling carts that are filled with 6 cases of paper and a television set in one and 30 alphasmarts in the other, a white board, 19 double (seats two kids) desks, 34 chairs, and 2 tables. My neck is still sore from tackling the (completely full) filing cabinet. I don't get paid for going in and setting up my classroom, for moving the furniture so that children can actually learn, for making it look welcome with decorations, for putting all the materials out, for finding and rearranging the stuff that was stored before the summer. If I did get paid it would have to be hourly and my district couldn't afford it. In reality, every district in every state would go bankrupt from the extra time teachers put in without reimbursement if they were actually forced to compensate us for all the time we put in. Don't even get me started on correcting or planning!

The worst part about being in my room this week is that we finally have nice (meaning it's not 100+ degrees) weather and the HEATER is turned on in my room. There's some new control box on it. Actually that's a misnomer. It's really a non-control box because I have no way to alter the settings and the whole thing is locked, apparently pre-programmed and run remotely through a separate site!!!! I think our first set of experiments in science will be on how hot our room can get before they do something about it. Wouldn't that look good in the local newspaper? Evil laugh.

Wow! I just realized that I've been venting (some might say ranting but I'm trying to be positive) a lot lately. I've been surrounded lately by a great deal of negativity...I guess it's rubbing off. I'm sorry if any of this made anyone uncomfortable....at least I don't feel it anymore. Which is the whole purpose of a blog now isn't it?

More later. Take care!

Start Over Sculpture

Congratulations Joe! Right again.

Now for the new post~who created this sculpture and what's its title?

I hope this stumps Joe but no one else....because I have to admit his current one is stumping me. At first I thought, Joan Miro. But Miro is a little thick with his black lines and isn't so meticulous with his faces. Joe won't even give me extra guesses so I can't put the wrong one down, even as a joke, like last time. Even though he is a professional at that game with the little ball and people get to try tons of times to get it into a hole. Then they get seventeen more holes to keep trying to get into. How is it fair to only get one shot? How about basketball? They usually get two free throws. Baseball you get three strikes before you're out. Yeah, I know, whine, whine, whine, bitch, bitch, bitch...

Nevertheless, anyone guessing about this sculpture can try as often as possible! Yes, even Joe. Get creative or get it right. Either way it's just for fun. Besides, I think that life is more fun when you can start over.

Art 101

Here's another one Joe. I'm sure you'll get it as you have shown a very eclectic side to your personality with your art posts. Good luck to the rest of you. I'm sure it looks familiar. Now who's the artist and what's the title?

Touching

About touch~ there are many aspects to it. So here's a thank you to just some of those people that touch me.

Thank you Annie! You touch my mind with your thoughts on politics and social issues. It is so enjoyable to read words that are passionate about the writer's cause(s). I thank you also for introducing me to Progressive Pete.

Thank you Illimitable Voices! Your poetry touches my heart in a way that I still cannot describe. I'm not usually at such a loss for words. Luckily you never appear to have that problem. May you continue to create!

Thank you Wendy! You touch my soul. Every time I read your blog there is always something fascinating to look at. More importanly I find your honesty to be not only refreshing but empowering. Your words make me laugh, cry, go "aw", hurt for you, sigh, feel irate on your behalf, well...basically the full range of emotions. It feels like a present everytime I open your blog because I don't know what it will contain that day. You are truly a special individual!!!!

To all of you: I'm almost sad on days that there is nothing there for me to read. Thank you for touching my life!

Insight

I just finished reading my Inner Sight post in a new window. As I did it occurred to me that it's not just allowing others to help me with negative emotions. While my main change is going to have to be drawing strength from others I now know that I also have to start accepting compliments in a much more gracious manner. I have to stop "pooh-pooing" when someone says something nice to me. I need to realize that maybe that person has an insight about me that I need to hear and acknowledge. And most importantly believe.

Inner Sight

So Friday night I got to see South Pacific live for the first time ever. It was a fabulous production! I'm picky when it comes to musicals but it was just wonderful! South Pacific is special to my family. I grew up listening to the music. The night my father met my mother he sang "Some Enchanted Evening" to her across a crowded room. It must have worked because they're still together 41 years later.

After the play I hung out with friends. It was a blast in one way and very serious in another. There was all this joking going on. I was laughing so hard that I began to do my trademark cough. Any time I overexert myself with laughter I begin to have this hacking, smoker-like cough. (Point of clarification>No, I don't smoke.) However, despite the hilarity that was the main attraction there were some serious side conversations that just made me appreciate the happiness that much more. There were some topics brought up in the asides that were worrisome at best and depressing at worst. I hope the issues are cleared up with a satisfactorily happy ending.

Ironically enough, yesterday I told my sister-in-law, Rae Ann that while I enjoy them I don't need the traditional, Hollywood type, happy ending at the end of books or movies. What I do need is some small glimmer of hope that there will be a happy ending at some future point. To paraprase my lines from Steve Martin's Picasso at the Lapin Agile; "I can write my own happy scenarios in my head." So long as there is the glimmer of hope that characters can overcome their dilemmas then I can see a different ending farther down the line for them. Imagination is a powerful thing. I'm very blessed to have a good one. However, the romantic in me wants everyone I love to have happy endings in real life...where they are less likely to occur. There's yet another irony.

On Saturday, I had a psychic reading by the great, Bobi Cheney. In a nutshell I have to stop giving so much and start receiving. I know, I know. Gutter thoughts are in my head right now too as I reread that sentence. It's not that kind of receiving. I have to truly believe that I'm worthy of being loved and to let people help, support and/or love me instead of putting up barriers to them.

Strangely enough, on Thursday I (for lack of a better term) "made up" with my friend Jason. He said that he was not mad at me. That there was something about the play that he was going to talk to me about but just when he was going to I corrected it the same night. He said he just pulls away from everyone during a breakup. I felt bad for him and gave him a hug and then I just started crying. It took me by surprise as much as it did Jaye. Unless it's onstage most of my friends have never seen me cry. Come to think of it, it's rare for my family too. I really haven't allowed others to see my anger, my hurt or any other "negative" emotion. I guess I'm afraid that they won't respect me anymore let alone care about me anymore. Which is wrong. I need to be willing to be in a bad mood and have others help me out of it. I need to be willing to cry and not just "in character" but as myself and know that others will give me a shoulder to cry on and not think less of me.

I need to allow myself to be weak....which is how the story of Jason fits in. In a moment of clarity I said to him that being strong for others was starting to take its toll. That I was finding it difficult to keep it up and now that Shawn was going through a break up I didn't know if I had it in me anymore. I know now that I will be able to help Shawn but I also am going to stop being hypocritical. I am going to allow others to do for me what I do for them. I never think less of anyone that is hurting so I have to stop thinking less of myself when I'm going through it.

So while I am as far from Nellie Forbush, the lead female character in South Pacific, as it is possible to be on a postive-negative index I'm going to try to uphold the ideal that she espouses in "Cock-eyed Optimist" because when it comes down to it I do want happy endings! And for once, not just for other people but I want to believe that it's possible even for me.

Ready, Set, Draw

My friend and current castmate, Joe Smith*, has been posting works of art on his blog. Recently he decided he would start putting a piece up and having a question about it. However, the first one was too easy!!!!! Talk about a softball! So for more of a challenge I'm going to try it. Can you identify the artist, title and time period of this painting? (Hints will follow.)

*Joe Smith really is his name. It's not a stage name for something unpronounceable.

Technical Difficulties

Thanks Wendy and Shanda for pointing out that the comments section for the last post was not working. I couldn't access it either. Then when I went to edit the entire post was gone?!?!? I could see the post when I logged on but it wasn't in my posting area all of a sudden. So I tried to republish the whole thing (Shanda's idea) which for some reason wiped it off of my computer. I finally had to copy from the screen and paste onto a new page. (Another one of Shanda's ideas.) Then I had to edit the date, font, color, etc. so that it was like the first one. You should be able to comment now. It seemed to work at midnight....maybe it doesn't like daytime. Who knows?

I'm glad that I read both of you daily because I can always correspond with you that way, if my blog starts acting up again. I actually lost a draft that I had worked on for half an hour (after the other post) and was going to complete tonight. When I went to save...it just disappeared. Of course maybe the blog gods thought that I had already had diarrhea of the mind and needed to shut up...or at least let go?

So I wasn't all that surprised that the comments area for the prior post was all messed up. I guess I was just having technical difficulties. (Thanks for letting me use your blog's title, Steph.;-O)

Keep smiling even when the little things irritate you. Because they aren't permanent, right Wendy? Although I agree with you that it would be nice if the good stuff was.

Anyway, good night. Take care! Don't let the blog-bugs bite!

Disjointed Thoughts

Lots of different thoughts in my head. For once they don't flow together. So I'm just going to throw them out there and get rid of them. Sorry for those of you reading, since I can normally tie them together much better than this post.

1. Daytime t.v. was always forbidden in my parents' house. (Actually, we weren't allowed much nighttime television either.) Even when I was living 3,000 miles away; I could still hear my mother's voice in my head if I turned on the television in the daytime. I could hear her say quite clearly, "Shouldn't you be outside playing? Isn't there something more worthwhile than that? Turn that thing off!" So while others were doing truly rebellious things in adolescence, my one great rebellion was watching soap operas or syndicated comedies before my parents got home from work. So yes, sometimes when ill or on vacation I get the urge to actually watch television when the sun is out. It's very much a guilty pleasure.

2. Today I was watching "Starting Over" (gasp) during the daytime. The episode made me cry. (My mom's karmic revenge for watching when I shouldn't? You be the judge.) Just when there was a comment that had me laughing the phone rang. I was wiping my face and trying not to sniffle as I said, "Hello." It was one of my best friends, Jeanine. She heard the tears in my voice and was concerned. After I laid her worries to rest I noticed her own voice was all choked up. It turned out that another one of my best friends was, (well, darn the English language doesn't really have a good word for this....) dumped. His boyfriend said that they were going in different directions and that they shouldn't be together anymore. Apparently there was an email sent but I hadn't been online all day. That's why Jeanine was crying. As she was talking I was texting this to yet another best friend. After Jeanine hung up, my friend, Shanda called. So I relayed what Jeanine had told me. Shanda was pretty shocked and hurt by it too. It occurred to me that Shanda and her Jason, Shawn and his Jason, and Jeanine and her Mike all hooked up with each other at around the same time. I use to make jokes that I was no longer needed now that they were all happy. Well, they have all managed to be put aside for different reasons and at different times. And yes, they've needed me (will most likely continue to do so) but I would gladly take back all the jokes to know that each one of them was happy with someone who appreciated them and was gentle with their hearts.

3. My friend and director, Jason, is very mad at me. I don't know why. He won't say and we haven't had any time alone together for me to ask. I know that he's said things lately that make me uncomfortable. Also, he's done things that I don't think are really him and that's frustrating. However, it's more frustrating to not be able to talk about it. I hope he comes around. For while I love the man, right now I'm not so sure I like him.

4. Hi to Lori and Jesse Baird. I loved Lori's email and it is flattering to know that you're reading the blog.

5. My family has what we call Breakfast Burritos at my parents' house on Sunday mornings. It's sporadic at best. We'll be on a kick of every Sunday and then something will come up to change that. So then it'll turn into once or twice a month. Eventually we'll end up skipping a couple of months until we get back into the weekly groove. My family is very close! I have been exceptionally blessed in that. I often feel guilty when I complain about other aspects of my life considering that I'm so truly lucky to have parents, siblings and in-laws that are also friends.

6. I signed up for The Sperm Bank of California's newsletter. As I approach 40 it occurs to me that I will most likely not ever be able to have a child in the traditional way. When I told Shanda she laughed. When I told Jeanine she "oh" ed. When I told my family (the adults) at Breakfast Burritos yesterday, they nearly screamed with excitement. I mentioned that I learned that as of (today) August 1, the FDA's regulations, will make the price of sperm jump. So I'm just going to get the newsletter and if it's going to happen and yes, I'm still questioning it, that it won't be until next year in late winter or early spring. Reactions from the family were all positive~My sister-in-law, Rae Ann, said, "You know if it's expensive we'll all pitch in." Which means a lot because my brother and Rae Ann never have extra $. My other sister-not-in-law, Karie said, "You know my mother will help with that." Her mom's an ob-gyn and has told me on numerous occasions, "You don't need a man to get pregnant! I'll knock you up." Which I repeated to great gales of laughter. My parents were very excited. I was the last to leave on Sunday and my dad just said, "It's right! It's just right that you have a child." I drove my mom to her office and as I was leaving she said, "You should do it now, Christie. You know we'll all help. You'll be such a great mother." Since I consider her the best mom on the planet that was the ultimate compliment. Yes, I even told her so. However, I'm still debating it. I always thought it was kind of selfish for a woman to have a child on her own. So I'm struggling with the thought that I could be that selfish. Hmmmmmmmmm....still up in the air. I'll let you know how it turns out.

7. Ironically enough, a few hours after I signed up for the newsletter online, my ex-husband called. I haven't seen him for about a year and strangely he hasn't called in all that time either. He usually calls every 3-6 months and we see each other maybe once a year now. Of course my take on the divorce is that he stopped wanting to have children and then he stopped wanting to be married. There were a few other reasons but that's what it boils down to. It was nice to catch up for the most part. Although, he did impart some bad news. My pseudo-former-father-in-law, Garrett, is really ill. He's been having a cross between mini-strokes and seizures. He won't tell Chris (the ex) what his condition is called. When Chris asks Garrett just tells him, "Basically my brain is dying." Dixie, Garrett's wife, called to tell Chris that Garrett has been deteriorating faster in the last six months. Garrett and Dixie were always absolutely wonderful to me! They still think that Chris letting me go was the mistake of his life. I feel saddened to know that Garrett may not be here for much longer. By the way, I will post the back story to the pseudo-former-in-laws statement some other time.

8. I had a fabulous time with my friend, Tony, on the way to Jeanine's for movie night on Saturday. He instinctively (?) knew I needed to laugh (it's been a very up and down period lately) and had a comedy album on his ipod for me to listen to. It was all very relaxing and congenial. Later, we couldn't get over the fact that we were able to find two movies: "Constantine" and "Be Cool" that none of us (Jaye was there too) had seen. It was one of the best double feature nights we've had.

9. My PG& E bill was extortionately high. It was three times more than my last two payments. I guess that I'll just have to sweat out the 100+ degree days without air conditioning if I want next month's bill to be normal. Of course I have the a-c on right now but it's set at a higher number than normal. The trouble is that it's already 102 and not even the hottest time of the day yet. Lord!

10. I have been on a diet since the end of May. I was off it for the entire three weeks in New Zealand but when I returned at the end of June I went straight back on. I, also, started going back to Curves regularly. So I've now lost 23 pounds and am still working on the rest of the weight that I need to get off my body. I'm doing it for health reasons not vanity. I have very good health and I don't want to jeopardize that with being overweight. (According to the CDC's body mass index calculator I'm obese. Shanda said their calculator is whacked. I'm paraphrasing her by the way.) I haven't wanted to tell anyone about the diet because it's embarrassing. I don't want people to feel uncomfortable eating around me or ill at ease for not knowing what to serve me. Some people are starting to notice though. That makes me feel a little bit better about sharing the news. I still have a way to go but am feeling good about my progress.

11a. Thanks Wendy and Shanda for always updating your blogs. I'm a little obsessed with reading others' thoughts while on this vacation. I'm sorry that I don't update nearly as often.
11b. Joe, Tony, Monkey UPDATE your blogs, please.

12. Some favorite quotes of mine by the late, great Mr. Albert Einstein:
a. "We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them."
b. "No, this trick won't work...How on earth are you ever going to explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love?"
c. "Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one."
d. "The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed."
I chose to put d in my bio for "Picasso at the Lapin Agile" because it is so fitting for that play. Anyway, thanks for reading. I'm off to work out, shower and then rehearsal. Take care of yourselves and may you see a dream fulfilled by the end of the week!